My latest for eHarmony … Helped Me Grow
“The best lessons are the ones we learned the hard way!”
Yup! My divorce sucked (that’s the best word for it). It was a really, really bad time in my life. If you have ever been through a divorce, or a really bad breakup, you can likely relate. It’s not an experience I would wish on my worst enemy. But, always an optimist, I can say that my divorce helped me grow. Hindsight is 20:20, right?
The period after a divorce, or after a big breakup, can be a time of tremendous personal growth. Some people say, “But I don’t want to grow … I want my relationship back,” but life happens, and many times the breakups and the heartbreaks we endure are handed to us unilaterally. It’s what we do with those lessons that really counts. It’s those lessons that help us to grow, and like it or not, growth is good.
Regardless of whether you wanted (or needed) any more opportunities for personal growth in your life, it pays to reflect on these experiences when they do happen to you (and they will!).
1. What did I learn as a result of that breakup? It’s really tragic when you go through some kind of breakup and fail to learn anything from it. There is always a lesson to be learned. It may be a lesson about what kind of person you dated/married. It may be a lesson about the kind of energy, focus, and priority you expected in the relationship, or the level of energy, focus, and priority you accepted in your relationship. It may be a lesson about what part of your authentic self you were willing to give up in exchange for that relationship.
2. What was my part in the failure of that relationship? If we go through any sort of failure and don’t turn the mirror around and look at what role we played in that failure, we lose out! It’s called personal accountability. It’s recognition that it takes two to tango. I have had people say to me, “I had absolutely no part of my breakup. He cheated on me. He left me.” Yes, I get that, but … don’t you think you can still look in the mirror and come up with some sort of accountability in the failure of that relationship? It may be as simple as “I picked the wrong guy,” and even that is an acceptance of your part of the failure, and taking that as a lesson learned may mean that you avoid picking the wrong guy again and again in the future. We’ve all seen people who date (and break up) with the same clone of a person over and over, right? Ask yourself, and answer yourself honestly, what could I have done differently or better in that relationship? And, will you take that lesson and apply it to your next relationship?
3. What did I rediscover about myself after the breakup? So often we give up a part of ourselves in our relationships … particularly in those relationships that ultimately fail. Don’t you think there may be a correlation between failure in a relationship and those relationships where we aren’t true to ourselves? Can you think of a relationship where you either intentionally or inadvertently gave up things that were important to you? Did you give up on people, or things, or activities that used to be meaningful to you? One way to successfully move forward after a breakup is to rediscover those passions that you may have repressed while in that relationship. It can be very rewarding and fulfilling to rediscover your hobbies, your interests, your talents. Did you stop hanging out with certain friends because your “other” didn’t like them? Did you stop engaging in a certain hobby because it took too much time away from your “other?” Did you give up on fulfilling your own dreams in order to help your “other” pursue his/her dreams? When you are true to yourself, you will naturally become more authentic and more confident. These lessons learned may enable you to not sacrifice yourself in future relationships.
“You cannot erase the past. You must let it go. You cannot change yesterday. You must accept the lessons learned. From lessons learned come better life.”
What about you? How did you grow after your breakup? What lessons did you learn? What did you rediscover about yourself?
Here’s my latest for eHarmony – Real Friends!
“What we’re all striving for is authenticity, a spirit-to-spirit connection.” — Oprah Winfrey
I recently had business meetings in NYC on a Monday. I took advantage of flying up there the weekend prior and scheduled catch-up time with several friends. Two of the friends lived in or near NYC so it was easy for us to get together. Two of the friends also had to come in from out of state. It took more effort to connect.
NYC is a great place, but we could have been anywhere. We talked and talked and talked … and apart from the sounds of NYC outside the cafes and restaurants we met at, we could have been in the middle of nowhere. All that mattered is that we were focused on each other, talking and reconnecting. Just this past week, a woman at my gym asked me what my favorite places were in Atlanta to hang out. Her best friend from middle school was coming to town for a long weekend. They hadn’t seen each other in 12 years and she wanted to show her around. I suggested that it was less about what they were going to see or do, and more about just catching up with each other.
I call my NYC weekend my “weekend of connecting.” Starting on Friday night, my husband and I googled “cozy warm small intimate Italian restaurants in New York City.” After a busy holiday season and a chaotic start to the year, we wanted to spend a quiet evening eating good food, drinking good wine, and connecting. We talked for hours until we realized we were the last couple in the restaurant. The next morning I set out to meet up with a friend who started off as a work acquaintance. We’ve only seen each other in person three times in our lives, but have developed a phone friendship that results in some really great dialogues. Our “quick-catch-up” ended up being a 2 ½ hour lunch.
Later that afternoon, I met another friend for a cup of tea. This friend is someone who I hired as an intern many, many years ago. We’ve always stayed in touch, and while I haven’t seen her in nearly 3 years, we spent 2 hours and several cups of green tea just talking and talking. That night I attended a business dinner with a group of people I didn’t know well or didn’t know at all. I was expecting the normal “surface” conversation, not deep connections, but was so incredibly pleased when our dinner-time conversation turned very real as we talked about our “word for the year” and what it meant to us.
The next day I visited one of my newer friends. I met her 3 years ago, and have only seen her 3 times, but she and I sat together and spoke for 2 hours. What I love is that this friend asks about me, my husband, my kids. She remembers our conversations and follows up on them the next time we talk. She is genuinely interested. She’s twice my age (and that’s pretty advanced!).
I realize I am at my best when I feel as if I am “connecting” with the people who are important in my life. We get so busy and caught up in our day-to-day lives that we forget to press pause and just be, and be with, and be real with one another.
Here’s my list of a few things that are important to me in my friendships:
1. Real friends initiate and reciprocate … they reach out to me just as much as I reach out to them … it’s a balance of deposits and withdrawals.
2. Real friends don’t allow the passage of time or distance to impact our ability to just pick right back up where we left off last time we saw each other … be that last week, last year, or last decade.
3. Real friends are the ones I know I can be totally honest with and have confidence that they will never bring things back and throw them in my face … this allows total vulnerability and honesty in our conversations.
4. Real friends ask about me, my family, my work and take a genuine interest in what is going on in my life … it’s a combination of asking and telling.
5. Real friends will call me out when they think I’m not being honest with myself … they will challenge me to be my best … because they honestly want the best for me.
“Side by side, or miles apart, good friends are always close to the heart.”
What about you? What would you add to the list of things that real friends do?
iCaught on iCloud — my latest for the Huffington Post …
“In the South, there was a gentle tradition of ‘it’s only a crime if you get caught doing it.’ Sometimes it was known as the Eleventh Commandment. Thou shall not get caught.” ~ C.L. Bevill, Bubba and the Dead Woman
My, we love our technology. It makes life so much easier. I’ve got my phone, my calendar, my alarm clock, my watch, my camera, my video-recorder, my TV, my games, my books, my newspaper, my fitness trackers, my new year’s resolutions, my social networks, and on and on and on … all on my smartphone. It’s incredible. Seriously. I used to dream about this stuff when I was a kid! When the PalmPilot came along, I thought I had hit the jackpot! What did I know! Compared to what we have now, that seems like etching on a tablet. That technology is so dated! As technology improved, I was thrilled to be able to plug a few cords in and instantly transfer things like my photos, or my scheduled appointments from one device to another. It was all so convenient.
And now, oh good heavens! We don’t even have to worry about plugging in cords anymore to transfer data. With the advent of the cloud, stuff just magically appears. If I take a picture on my iPhone, it appears on my MacBook and my iPad. If I send a text, it appears on all 3 devices. I can download a book through the cloud that my husband purchased on his iTunes account (seems like a waste now that we each paid $20 for the eBook biography on Steve Jobs) and simple share it instead of having to buy multiple copies.
BUSTED! Three times in recent weeks I have heard from people who discovered their spouse’s infidelity because things showed up on their devices after flowing across and floating through the Cloud!
iCaught on iCloud: One woman suddenly found photos that she didn’t have any interest in seeing of her husband with another woman show up in her iPhoto account. So much for having to connect and download to have photos save to your laptop!
I love Photostream. According to Apple, when you use Photostream and have iCloud, “when you take a photo on one device, it automatically appears on all your other devices. No syncing. No sending. Your photos are just there.” As long as your devices are configurd with the same iCloud account, you’re good … or not so good, depending on your perspective.
Consider this: You might take a selfie on your iPhone with your “secretary” on your work trip out West … perhaps a casual stroll hand-in-hand at sunset on the beach … and that photo may near instantly appear on your wife’s iPhone back on the East Coast as she’s texting you to let you know that she hopes your long meetings are going well and to give you and update that both kids have the flu and just threw up in your bed … again.
iCaught on iCloud: One man found text messages that his wife was sending to another man. Gone are the days where text messages only showed up on phones. We can now sync with our phone numbers and our emails and “text” from any device. Suddenly, her private texts sent from her phone, were showing up in iMessage on their home desktop computer.
iCaught on iCloud: Another woman started to receive calendar updates with flight information for a business trip her husband was taking … with his secretary (how cliché!). That family calendar option was a great idea … in theory … but when your reservation confirmation information automatically downloads and populates the calendar, it can prove to be dangerous.
In each case, these couples had recently upgraded their technology on their home networks to provide better sharing of data. There’s been a lot of focus on the new “family share” programs and capabilities. Oh yes, they shared all right! They shared a whole helluva lot more than they wanted to.
Perhaps gone are the days of smelling a strange cologne on her shirts, or finding lipstick marks on his collar. In this day and age, technology makes it so much harder for people to get away with things that they shouldn’t be doing in the first place. Hey, I have an idea. Let’s just be good and honest, and not try to get away with things that we shouldn’t be trying to get away with in the first place. Naïve, I know! Technology is supposed to make our lives easier. Guess what? Being honest, and not having to lead a double life and remember our lies also makes our lives much easier (no iCloud needed!).
What do you think?
Here’s my latest for eHarmony: Great Date!
“There is no such thing as a worthless conversation, provided you know what to listen for. And questions are the breath of life for a conversation.” ~ James Nathan Miller
I was fired up last Friday evening. My husband and I were sitting down together, enjoying a glass of wine, and sharing our days with each other. “I had the best day ever,” I exclaimed. When he asked why, and I started recounting my day filled with various meetings, I had a realization. It was a very full day starting with a breakfast meeting, a lunch meeting, an afternoon coffee meeting with several business calls in between (and no, I certainly wasn’t hungry after all of that!). I had driven all over town, and multitasked to get things done and keep focused. But, here it was, Friday evening after a long week, and I was totally energized.
My realization is that my day has been so energizing because it was filled with really great conversations. While none of my meetings were with any of my BFF’s, but rather all with colleagues and/or acquaintances, in every one of them we were able to get beyond talking about the weather, or how fast the year was passing, and instead get into really good conversations about life, our plans, our goals, our troubles, our fears. Instead of simply talking what we wanted to accomplish this year, we talked about our grandest dreams for our lives. Instead of just talking about what our kids were doing, we talked about what our kids are becoming. Instead of answering “fine” to the “how are you” question, we allowed our protective walls to come down and our vulnerability to surface. The conversations were honest. They made us connect. And, I left each one of those conversations energized, as opposed to sapped and drained.
Do you ever leave conversations, either with a good friend, a first date, or a casual colleague, and feel as if the conversation was pained and difficult? Do you feel like it never “clicked” and the two of you never connected? It’s draining, isn’t it? I did have a couple of these experiences lately (one with a good friend, and another with a professional colleague), and I couldn’t wait to escape.
Yes, escape is the best word I can come up with to describe that feeling of “I just need to get out of here right now as this isn’t going anywhere … I’m wasting my time … this surface conversation is going to drive me crazy!” I do (usually) try to rescue conversations when I feel them going this way, but sometimes they are unsalvageable. That’s when I start looking at my watch and tapping my toes. I begin to fidget and I know it’s time to leave.
My single friends who are in the dating world right now roll their eyes and laugh! They tell me they are, unfortunately, very familiar with feeling that need to “escape” from dull conversations. They know the “energy” that a great date with great conversation can bring. They know that feeling of dread that comes just a few minutes into a date when they realize that “it’s going to be a L-O-N-G dinner!”
What are you bringing to your dates? Are you bringing real conversation and dialogue? Or, can you be accused of sticking to mundane and safe topics, and not letting that wall of vulnerability and honesty come down? Do your dates leave feeling energized? Do they leave feeling like they just had a great conversation, or are they dull?
Here’s the Great Date Experiment: Next time you are out with someone on a date, instead of talking about the weather, or what he or she did that day, or what he or she has planned for tomorrow, or what sports his or her kids are playing this season, or how the Patriots won the Superbowl, try asking broader and deeper questions. Sure, get that basic Q&A out of the way, but then jump right in.
Ask things like:
“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Finally, be interested and be sincere. You may find you have absolutely nothing in common with this person. You may decide there is no need for you to have additional dates, and that’s OK. But, I can promise you that the date will be that much more interesting and energizing because you are sure to have learned something more than how your date hated the rain that day because it messed up his golf game!
What about you? What other questions do you ask to start a great conversation?
Here’s my latest for eHarmony – Live for Yourself?
When someone is rude to you, keep a smile on your face. When you stay on the high road and keep your joy, you take away their power.” ~ Joel Osteen
I love to travel. You get to see people, places, and customs that you would not otherwise see. I had the opportunity to travel to Italy on business this week. My room wasn’t ready when I arrived so I had to check my bags into the luggage check. Not to worry, I welcomed a good walk around town and some fresh air to clear my jet lag after flying all night.
There was all sorts of activity and commotion around the baggage check and it took me a moment to decipher what was going on. I couldn’t imagine why there was so much luggage in the hallway (and I was hoping my bag wasn’t going to be left out in the open, but rather securely placed behind a locked door). Then I noticed a young woman loudly directing the bell-hops all around her, and I realized that all of these bags belonged to her. She had at least six different garment bags and five suitcases – seriously! (And here I was, pretty proud of myself for making it to Italy for a week with just a carry-on roller-board). As I assessed the absurdity of the situation, and tried to figure out if she was someone famous (!), I heard her say to the bell-hop, who was struggling to get all of her bags on the luggage cart, “You need to eat more; you are very weak.” I was appalled. I waited for her to laugh or make a joke, but she was very serious. How rude. I made sure I was extra-polite and gracious to him.
Fast forward 24 hours and I was waiting to board a train. As is so common in Europe, there were a group of passengers enjoying their last smoke right outside the train door. I was navigating my way between these passengers, when someone else came barging through and pushed on board. I noticed a tattoo on her arm as she grabbed the handle in front of me to hoist herself onto the train. It said, “I live for myself.” Yup, apparently you do!
These two incidents were aberrations on what was a wonderful trip full of gracious people. By graciousness, I encountered countless people who forgave me for butchering their beautiful language, who helped me to figure out where I was going, who showed patience with my ineptness at understanding the train schedule, who insisted on taking a “real” photo of me standing in front of the beautiful architecture (so that all of my photos weren’t “selfies”!), and who ensured that I had a wonderful visit to their country.
These incidents made me stop and pause to think about rudeness vs. graciousness. Both take the same amount of time. Frankly, both take about the same amount of effort. But, but both have such a dramatically different effect on those who are the recipients of the rudeness or the graciousness, and on those around them who witness it.
It made me turn the mirror on myself and question how often have I been rude to someone because I’ve been having a bad day or have been in a hurry. I hope the answer isn’t too often, but if we’re being honest, I know I’m guilty. We are all rude at times, but my commitment is to try and limit these times to as few as possible (working towards “none,” of course).
“If you can’t be nice, be quiet!”
My stream of consciousness for today is simple: don’t be rude. Your parents taught you better. Your teachers taught you better. You teach your kids better. You know better. Nobody likes be treated rudely. Nobody likes watching rude people. It creates a visceral reaction and builds negativity.
Here’s my link to dating! Your date is watching. If you are rude, demanding, and ungrateful, your first date may choose to make that your last date as well!
My latest from eHarmony … Sept 2014… Common Denominator
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation. But your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I highlighted my hair blonde hoping it would make me happy; it didn’t. I guess blondes don’t have more fun! I dated a man for six months hoping he would make me happy; he didn’t. What a useless man! I bought a fancy sports car hoping it would make me happy; it didn’t. It must be the car!
I had a conversation with a woman the other day who was chronically unhappy. She was searching for her happiness, saying to me, “My mission for this year is to find my happiness.” When I asked her what she had tried over the year in her effort to find her “happiness,” I got a list similar to what is listed above.
I asked her, “In all of your scenarios, what one thing is the common denominator?” Your hair color isn’t making you happy. Your former boyfriend didn’t make you happy. Your new car isn’t making you happy. In fact, the color of your hair, your former boyfriend, and your car shouldn’t make you happy.
I asked her again, “What is the common denominator?”
“Me,” she asked? “Yes, YOU!” I replied.
We have to be happy with ourselves first. There’s a saying, “Happiness is an inside job.” Haven’t we all met people who are chronically unhappy, and who are constantly blaming other people for their unhappy circumstances?
One of my friends had a first date a few weeks ago. He has successfully navigated through divorce by taking the high road. He’s a great dad, a great guy, and I would love to see him find his “perfect” someone to begin the next phase of his life. I couldn’t wait to hear how it went. “Soooooo … how was it?” I asked him the morning after his date. The response I got wasn’t what I was hoping to hear. “She was a negative nelly,” he said.
Apparently they weren’t too far into their date when she started to complain about how hot it had been that day (not a cause for alarm yet as it had been a hot day even for someone used to living in Atlanta in the summer). Shortly thereafter, she started to complain about the service at the restaurant where my friend had taken her to eat. He was a bit surprised as this was one of his favorite places and wasn’t pleased to hear her dissing it. The complaining continued as they began their meal. She complained about one of her best friends. She complained about her mom. She even complained about her hairdresser.
But, my friend says the kicker came when she started to complain about her ex-husband. My friend had no interest in hearing her bash her ex and relive her divorce. Needless to say, there was no extra time added to their date to go for dessert or an after-dinner drink! He said, “I couldn’t wait to get away from her negative energy. It was draining me.”
“Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.”
My friend got it right. It can be extremely “draining” to have someone suck all the positive energy out of a room with their negativity, their unhappiness, and their constant complaining.
We need to own our own happiness. Remember, happiness is indeed an inside job.
“The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find.”
What about you? What is your common denominator? Is it you?
My latest for eHarmony … Mistake or Decision?
Mistakes are not a problem. Not learning from them is.
I wrote a post recently about Dating Deal Breakers where I suggested it is good to know before you start dating what your ‘dating deal breakers’ are – you know, those things which are non-negotiable to you in a potential date/mate/spouse.
I used an example of one of my own ‘dating deal breakers.’ When I re-entered the dating scene several years ago, I told myself I would never date a man who had cheated in a prior relationship. You may have the same deal breaker, or you may have something different. I’ve heard some people say they will never date a person who smokes, or will never date a person with a criminal record, or will never date a person who is divorced, or will never date a person who doesn’t have a college degree. You get the picture. We all have our own biases, our own chips on our shoulders, and our own standards and expectations.
A good guy friend of mine asked me if I was being too judgmental when I told him I wouldn’t date anyone who had cheated in a prior relationship. He said that people make mistakes (yes, we all do!), and if we have learned from them, then we shouldn’t be punished moving forward. Interesting point. And, even more interesting coming from him. I respect this guy a lot. He’s a good guy. But, I knew where his perspective was coming from. You see, he cheated on his wife years ago. It was a mistake. He confessed. She forgave him. They worked through it. Years later, they are still married and very happy together. In his words, “I made a huge mistake, but I learned from it, and I won’t do it again.”
He thought that people who say no to dating anyone who has cheated in a prior relationship are potentially closing the door on some really great people who could turn out to be great partners. I agree – to a certain extent.
Lots of famous people have really great things to say about mistakes.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. – Albert Einstein
There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go. – Richard Bach
The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything. – Theodore Roosevelt
I’m all about making mistakes. If you are going to try anything new in life, you are bound to make mistakes. But I guess that’s where I diverge in my thinking. Deciding to try cheating while in a relationship is not the kind of “trying something new” that I think is supposed to apply to this notion of “mistakes.”
I’d rather not date a guy who has crossed that guard-rail or that boundary, which has resulted in him making a “mistake.” Cheating on someone isn’t a mistake; it’s a conscious “decision.” To me a “mistake” means you can practice at it and get better so as not to make the same “mistake” again. In this scenario, that makes no sense. Although I have met people who have learned from their “mistakes” and are careful not to be caught next time. They aren’t changing their behavior, but rather they are just more careful in how they cover their tracks.
A very good friend shared this thought with me recently. Her insight is spectacularly amazing. “We all make mistakes. It is what we do afterwards that counts. We can change our behavior or continue our behavior. If we continue our behavior, it is no longer a mistake, but a choice.”
What about you? Any “mistakes” you are willing to overlook? Any “decisions” that are dating deal breakers?
“When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot!” — Larry Lujack
I just completed the grueling process of buying a used car. It was everything it is stereotypically portrayed to be… and more. It’s like hitting your funny bone. Here’s the gist of what happened: I was looking at a specific car when the sales “advisor” eagerly approached and announced the price. Apparently he thought I couldn’t see the huge neon numbers on the front window next to the “Buy Me TODAY!” decal. I “advised” the advisor that I had done my research and that price was way high!
The advisor then told me that the price on the windshield was not the “real price,” but rather that it was the “windshield price.” “So, what’s the real price?” I asked. He threw out another number that was pretty ridiculous. As I continued to walk away, he said, “Actually, the price I just gave you in our Internet price. I’m sure I can talk to my sales manager and get a better price.” Game on.
The fun continued. The sales manager exited from a room known as “The Tower” (this is a completely glass-enclosed room that overlooks the showroom floor.) and gave me his speech about how car buying needed to result in a win-win for the dealership and the client. Blah blah blah. He then asked me, “So what’s your bottom line? Tell me what you want think is fair to pay for this car.” I replied, “Can you just tell me the price of this car? Not the windshield price. Not the Internet price. What. Is. The. Price. Of. This. Car?” He looked at me, shook his head and said, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
An hour later, we arrived at a deal. I think we achieved his objective of win-win, and I was the proud owner of a used car. Or so I thought! I was informed that this was not in fact a “used” car, but rather it was a “certified pre-owned” car. Sounds like a fancy name for used if you ask me.
The prefix “pre-” typically means “before” as in pre-marital counseling (counseling before you get married) or pre-nuptial agreement (that paperwork you sign before you get married about who gets what in case of divorce) or pre-wedding jitters (those butterflies you get before you say “I do”). Did this mean my car was pre-owned, meaning it had never had an owner before? Since we were calling it “pre-owned” I assumed that would imply it was before it had owners. But, that was impossible; it was a used car.
As I was pondering this question further, my husband informed me that the “pre-” didn’t mean “before,” but rather it was shorthand for “previously.” That made sense. My pre-owned car was really previously-owned.
Since I write about relationships, you know where I went next! I realized that if using this same naming convention I was actually “pre-married.” This is not to imply that I have never been married before, but rather to state the obvious fact that I had indeed been previously married (or “used”).
I began to have even more fun with my analogy when I realized that the reason this dealership was even making the distinction between it being a “used” car vs. a “certified pre-owned” car was because a pre-owned car comes with a 172-point inspection, a 12-month comprehensive limited warranty, and a seven-year powertrain limited warranty (I guess if you buy a “used” car you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit!)
Can you imagine if being “pre-married” (the previously married kind, not the never-before-married kind) meant that you had to complete a 172-point inspection before you could marry again? Think of all the different things you would want to put on your 172-point inspection checklist. Here are 24 to get you started on the certified pre-owned spouse inspection:
1. Have you seen the “CarFax” report? How many prior owners (been married before)?
2. Is there a collision history? Any accidents (been in prison, rehab, therapy)?
3. Have you visited the production factory (met the parents)?
4. Are there any after-market or factory-installed parts to know about? (any parts that God didn’t provide naturally)?
5. Is the battery fully charged (high energy or lackluster)?
6. Are there any “exhaust” issues (bad breath/gas)?
7. Are there any rattles under the hood (snoring issues)?
8. Does it come with a “tow” package (kids, pets, in-laws)?
9. Does it have a spare tire? (No explanation needed!)
10. Any issues getting it started in the morning (lazy or go-getter)?
11. How is the paint job? Any chips or rust? (does he/she take care of him/herself?)
12. Are the tires balding? (No explanation needed!)
13. Has the oil been checked regularly? (healthy, regular check-ups)?
14. Does it have a lot of mileage? Highway or city? (age, lifestyle)?
15. Does the radiator overheat (anger management issues)?
16. Does the air-conditioning work (staying cool under pressure)?
17. What stations are preset on the radio (oldies, sports talk, NPR, The Fish)?
18. Does it have a built-in entertainment (a good sense of humor)?
19. What are the monthly maintenance costs (hair, mani/pedi, massage, golf membership, gym membership, football season tickets)?
20. Are the seats leather (is he bringing the proverbial La-Z-Boy recliner from his bachelor pad?)
21. Any cracks on the grill (bad teeth?)
22. What fuels it best (physical touch, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation or quality time)?
23. Is there any junk in the trunk (extra baggage)?
24. What do you plan to do with the car? (just taking it for a test drive, renting it for the weekend, opting for the three-year lease, or going for long-term ownership)?
…and on and on!
What if being “pre-married” also carried the same one-year and seven-year warranties as my pre-owned car?! Can you imagine? If anything goes within the first year of marriage, there is a comprehensive warranty! Even better, if anything goes wrong within the first seven years of marriage (that stereotypical seven-year itch perhaps?) then there is an additional limited warranty in place. What would that warranty cover? Marital counseling? Sex therapy? Botox? Gym membership? Hair replacement? Knee replacement? Credit counseling? Rehab?
At the end of the day, we all know that pre-owned and pre-married don’t mean the same thing. But, there is something to be said for creating your own 172-point inspection checklist! It helps you to define what is important to you, where you are willing to compromise and if you have any clear “deal-breakers” (especially if other good things may be clouding your perception).
What do you think? Any other suggestions to be put on the 172-point inspection checklist?
My latest for eHarmony: Dating Deal-Breakers!
f your date has more issues than a magazine, it’s time to cancel the subscription!
On my first date with the guy who is now my husband, I recall asking him if he had ever cheated while in a relationship before. That was important to me. Really important. “Deal breaker” important. If he had said “Yes,” there wouldn’t have been a second date. Fortunately, his answer was a resounding, “No, never.” There was indeed a second date, and a third, and a fourth … and a wedding!
I had coffee with a friend recently who is back in the dating scene. I asked her what her “deal breakers” were. She wasn’t sure what I meant. “You know,” I said, “those things that are absolutely non-negotiable on your part … things about which you aren’t willing to compromise.” I suggested that you have to be clear on these things before you start to date or you might be willing to compromise on things that are really important to you as you find other characteristics really attractive. Ultimately, that means you may lower your standards.
She asked some great questions.
“Can’t people make mistakes,” she asked? “You are all about the power of forgiveness … don’t you believe that some people make mistakes and shouldn’t be penalized for them going forward?” She’s right. I am a huge proponent of the power of forgiveness, but there is a difference between forgiving someone for something they have done in the past, and compromising on your own values and deciding that it isn’t important to you moving forward. I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences or accountability for actions. In my example, I could absolutely see forgiving someone who made a mistake and cheated in a prior relationship, but to me the consequence would have meant no second date with me. Maybe I would have lost out. On the other hand, maybe I would have saved myself some potential heartache. It’s truly a personal decision and one that each person needs to make independently. We each have to set our own standards. My deal breakers may be different than your deal breakers, and vice versa.
“What if you ultimately decide that your deal breaker isn’t really a deal breaker after all?” She said that initially she thought one of her deal breakers would be if a guy was a smoker. She was just starting to date a guy and discovered that while he wasn’t a chain smoker, he did smoke cigars occasionally – usually when he was out with the guys playing cards. She said she would never have considered dating a smoker, but that this didn’t seem like such a big deal. I think we have to be really clear on the parameters of our deal breakers ahead of time so that when we are confronted with them we know where we stand. In this case, her deal breaker of never dating a smoker should have been articulated more clearly. What she really meant was never getting involved with a chain-smoking, cigarette-puffing, nicotine addict. Sure, we can adjust our deal breakers as we go along, but it might be more effective to have them more clearly identified in the beginning!
“What if I fall for a guy even if he has one of my no-doubt-about-it deal breakers?” Well, we are all human, and you have to live with the consequences of your change of heart. If you decide that a deal breaker really isn’t one after all, then fine; just be confident that it honestly and truly isn’t going to resurface as an issue in the future. I’ve seen too many people decide that they are going to “ignore” an issue in the short-term because they are sure they can “change him” in the future. A word to the wise … that doesn’t always work! I haven’t seen too many people succeed when they held out hope in “changing” someone for the better.
If we know in advance what things are our dating deal makers, and which things are our dating deal breakers, it can make the dating process that much more simple. Goodness knows there are too many other things to think about when dating!
What about you? Do you know your dating deal breakers? What are they?
Here’s my latest for eHarmony: Girlfriends!
“Reminder: your girlfriends will probably outlive your husband. So find good ones.”
My sides still hurt from laughing so hard! I just returned from spending a long weekend with five friends who I have known since elementary and middle school. The six of us met between 4th and 7th grades. We’ve known each other over 30 years. It’s been four years since we have all been together. That’s an entire college experience (I’ve told my kids that college is a four-year gig, and not to expect any sort of five-year plan, but I digress!). In spite of it being nearly 1500 days since we had last seen each other, we picked up right where we left off.
Between us, we have shared marriages and divorces, births and deaths, laughter and grief, celebrations and failures. If we go way back, we’ve shared electric blue eyeliner, curling irons, Sassoon jeans, and lilac prom dresses. We know each other. We accept each other. We love each other.
Even though we don’t experience the day-to-day with each other like we do with our friends who are in proximity to us, we seem to have a stronger bond. I sometimes wonder if many friendships aren’t born, and sustained, out of proximity and ease. Those are the friendships that don’t survive change. One person may move away, or the kids no longer play on the same sports teams, or the person switches jobs, and suddenly those people who were our closest friends, the ones we saw weekly, if not daily, who knew what we did day-in and day-out, are no longer a part of our lives. Real friendships endure all of those changes, and more!
The six of us weren’t always BFF’s. Back in elementary school, middle school, high school and college, we drifted in and out of each other’s lives, but we were always there for each other. In fact, even today, we don’t all talk regularly. Life gets busy. We are wives. We are mothers. We work. Life happens. We don’t know the daily inner workings of what is going on with each of us, but rather we get together every three or four years, and suddenly time and distance disappear in a nanosecond. We don’t need to know what happens in the day-to-day to understand where each other is coming from in her life, and that is what truly matters.
Last Saturday night, the firepot was lit, the wine was poured, and as we sat on the back porch talking, we realized that 5 of the 6 of us have already lost our fathers, yet all of our mothers are still alive. The experience we have had with our parents supports the claim that women tend to outlive men. It was a sobering thought.
At this point, we have known each other longer than we have known our husbands. Heck, these girlfriends outlasted my first husband, saw me through my divorce, were there as I started dating and married my second husband, and are still by my side. There is a good chance that we may outlive our husbands (as our moms have outlived our dads).
My point is this! Our boyfriends and our husbands are important, but so are our girlfriends! They both play a different role (in spite of so many people who say they are married to their ‘best friend’ – I get that, but it’s different! You know it is!). Yes, date, search for the perfect person to partner with in your life, perhaps even find a ‘best friend’ to marry, but don’t lose sight of the importance of your girlfriends in all of this. And men, you want your girlfriend or wife to have a good support team of girlfriends. Trust me! It’s an outlet you want to encourage!
I brought a photo to show the girls last weekend. It was of the 6 of us sitting on the back porch at my parent’s house. The year was 1984. We took another photo last weekend of the 6 of us sitting on my back porch. 2014! Thirty years later! I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if 30 years from now we are taking another photo sitting on someone’s back porch … or maybe it will be of us sitting in white rocking chairs on the front porch of the retirement home!
What do you think? Life is busy! Dating takes time! How do you cultivate and maintain your friendships?